Let’s say your MIND is a VERY influential person you follow on social media. The million dollar question is: Does he follow you back? In other words, who works for whom? I think by the end of this read, you’ll be able to honestly answer that for yourself. Here we go!
Author Anya Elnikova, Certified International Level Professional Coach (ICF ACTP), read more about Anya on Facebook.
Usually, it’s just A THOUGHT. We are constantly telling ourselves stories: stories about the world, about the people around us, and of course, about ourselves. Many of these stories might have been created long ago when we were little: when for the very first time we took offense, got disappointed, or became confused.
All of our experiences are made up of thoughts. In fact, it’s not what happened to us that matters, but what we THOUGHT about it. Over the course of our lives we CONFIRM our stories with new circumstances, characters, and details, which gradually turns our stories into “THE TRUTH."
Here is an important concept that shows how it happens! It starts with some THOUGHT taking root in us ➡️ EMOTIONS and FEELINGS grow around it ➡️ fuel our CHOICES and ACTIONS ➡️ thereby forming our BEHAVIOR ➡️ and, as a result, our LIFE. It’s a vicious or virtuous cycle (you decide) in which we are constantly going round and round in circles. The “truth” rooted within becomes the reality. We don’t question it very often anymore, and alongside our brain, we live on autopilot.
“Maybe that’s just the way I am!” I often hear from people. Since our beliefs and thought patterns grow in us over the years, we perceive them as something almost innate, as a part of who we are. That is why our ego often resists criticism, denying extrinsic information. We are reluctant to think that some of our qualities or reactions are, in fact, our choices. Yes, we can choose how to be.
“I’m not good enough,” “What if I wont' make it,” “What will they think of me,” “I’m not ready, I’ll do it later”, “I’m afraid.” Where the focus goes, the energy follows. What we focus on, we actually feel and experience. So we literally begin to see in everything and in everyone what we believe.
The brain forms a strong associative link and our imagination constructs a corresponding reality in which we constantly seek and manage to find confirmation of our stories, even of the most unlikely ones. The brain is wired to focus more on problems and negativity than on joy. Earlier in human history, this used to be necessary for survival. Today it still serves to warn us of dangers, but more often than not it is just a “danger” to our ego.
“I’m good enough,” “I’ve done my best,” “This is an opportunity,” “I believe in myself”. By knowing and understanding yourself, you can genuinely appropriate these thoughts. Once you root a useful thought in your head aimed at personal growth and achieving a desired outcome, your brain will focus on its realization, finding ways to solve the challenge. The quality of life depends directly on the quality of our thoughts. Once we become aware of something about ourselves, we can now begin to control it. However, until then, the unconscious will control us!
When we feel dissatisfied in some area of life, doubts, fears, depression, and apathy dwell and multiply within us. We will cling to our habitual, stable “truth” as hard as we can until the pain and dissatisfaction with the ongoing situation becomes stronger than the fear of change and uncertainty. When it happens we finally make an internal decision to take a leap. We often have a clear understanding of what we no longer want. We might be so wrapped up in it, that we don’t always know what it is that we actually WANT instead.
All the answers already exist inside of us. But as Albert Einstein said “No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it”. We are so caught up in WHAT we think that we don’t pay attention to HOW we think. And how do we see the HOW?
Life Coaching is an opportunity to see and hear yourself from the outside. How does this happen? A Life Coach listens to you closely, and I mean REALLY listens to you very closely. Everything is important here: your choice of words, frequently recurring words, possible contradictions in your speech, metaphors, emotions, tone of voice, changes in attitude or in your energy flow, postures, and other non-verbal cues. By doing so, a Life Coach helps you to hear HOW you are thinking and, moreover, can reveal and point out to you what you are not saying with words.
By reflecting it back to you, a Life Coach creates the necessary space that allows you to jump out of your habitual, automated train of thought and examine your thinking habits and beliefs from a new perspective. This is crucial because some things simply cannot be seen without a change in perspective. And that is how you get to another level of thinking.
It’s the feeling when you are going deep within yourself and you think you’ve just reached the bottom when something happens. You free fall even deeper and finally land at a depth you didn’t know exists. At this depth you can hear the authentic you and objectively evaluate the efficacy and validity of your thoughts and beliefs. You can also see if they are YOURS to begin with. It gives clarity and awareness of yourself, your values, strengths and talents and of your genuine needs.
We often confuse what we WANT with what we really NEED. Without understanding the difference, we will meet our needs “blindly,” putting temporary fixes on the pain, which brings satisfaction for a couple of days, but then disappointment, emptiness and anxiety slowly come back. Only by understanding our true needs can we find appropriate ways to meet them. .
Gained awareness gives clarity, relief, and the energy needed for change. Fortunately, our marvelous brain is capable of unlearning what was once learned. Weaning ourselves off old thinking habits and replacing them with new healthy ones is possible! But it takes time, willpower, consistency, and perseverance. Imagine that your brain joined a gym and started working out a new group of muscles. But how many times do we make a decision, but then the feeling of determination disappears and we abandon what we’ve started? In the very beginning the temptation to return to your comfortable couch is very high. Therefore at this stage it’s not only the decision that matters, but also the result!
It is quite possible that you may feel uncomfortable and resistant during the “reprogramming”. However, this is only a sign that you are on the right track. Resistance is the brain’s natural reaction to change. The brain wants stability, so it may be whispering: “It’s better, easier, and safer to leave things the way they are. Don’t bother!”.
You might wait for another shoe to drop with your ego as well. The ego will cling to old “truths” as if they were part of you, blaming external factors for your ongoing discomfort. Don’t be fooled! Remember that you can control it. Show it who’s the boss here.
Most importantly, keep reminding yourself for what greater purpose you are doing this. “What am I doing this for?” The answer to this question is in fact your true motivation.
The insights gained in a Life Coaching session are very valuable. But their potential may not be fulfilled if they are not followed by the most important step of all - ACTION! Take into consideration what might hinder you and also what will support and encourage you on the way. Determine specific, tiny steps towards your desired outcome. DO IT!
Only by doing something differently today will you be able to see the change tomorrow. Each time, day after day, new “healthy” thoughts, reinforced by actual action steps, will tread new neural pathways, competing with the well-trodden, bustling highways through which your old thinking patterns have been racing your entire life. A life coach will help to power through this by keeping track of your progress and helping you adjust the actions steps when you feel it’s needed.
The advantage and the main benefit of Life Coaching is that not only does it help you to shift your perspective and see clear what is possible and available to you, but it also inspires and get you ready to actually do it. Don’t be afraid to step into the unknown between the “now” and your desired outcome. It’s not a chasm, it’s a path! The progress is incremental, and it leads to real change and a better quality of life. Dare to be your true-self! And don’t forget to enjoy it. 😊
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[1.] Anya Elnikova, **Certified International Level Professional Coach (ICF ACTP)**
[2.] Anya Elnikova on Linkedin